Well it's happened again: I'm being told to stop trying to control things and am being forced to sit in stillness and simply let go as best as I can.
Despite my own perfectionism, my health is not perfect. Even though I "follow all the rules" and "do everything just right", this pregnancy has taken a turn for the "high risk".
This came to be quite out of the blue one day when I was resting in savasana. After a relaxed morning and in the final resting posture of a gentle yoga class, I broke into a sweat with a pounding heart. That's not normal for me. Something wasn't right. There was no logical reason for me to feel so "off" so I went directly to CVS for a blood pressure reading. It was 145/107. Terrible numbers for a person who has "perfect" blood labs.
My sweet husband insisted that I let go of control and he took me directly to the hospital. I was immediately hooked up to all of the machines, my baby was being closely monitored, and there was talk of inducing me if my BP numbers wouldn't come down. I had to stay overnight for observation. I had developed preeclampsia, a condition responsible for both infant and maternal mortality. No one knows why it happens. There are so many more questions than answers in the research about it. No sense of control.
I had to stay still in my hospital bed and let the fear flow THROUGH me. I had to recognize that there was nothing that I could DO to FIX IT. I was literally forced to let go.
Fortunately, I was released with the baby still comfortably growing in my belly. I went home and resumed my "perfect" life. For 4 days.
That's when I had to go back to the hospital with spiked blood pressure again. I wasn't responding to the medication and my BP was beginning to get out of control. More machines. More monitoring. More needles. More fear. More letting go.
And then I was released. Again, my body pulled through and responded to the medication. I was free to continue with my pregnancy.
Since then (July 3), I've stopped working and begun to really slow my life down. Letting go of my plans, ambition, and work feels like the only thing I have control over. Apparently times like this are a great teacher and apparently I have a great deal to learn. So far, all I know is that I have so little control over the circumstances of this life.
Food is medicine, yes. Diet and lifestyle are supremely important for achieving and maintaining good health. But so is letting go. Surrender to the Divine plans for your life and find contentment in the stillness when it comes.
Yoga Teacher. Thinker of things.
Sometimes I just need to empty the contents of my brain into words.